Terrific Tuesday

A mother sits by the pool watching her daughters playing together, collecting fallen leaves from the water. It's 5.50pm, the sun is setting and I'm happy. 

"Jenny! You're living the dream. Here's the reason why." -Me to myself 

Today after spin class, I took C to Huber's Bistro for lunch where she had meatball pasta and I ordered steak (!). She read The Wind in the Willows while I read manga (!!) and old messages between K and M -- some from 13 years ago and some from just last year. Reading those old exchanges, I registered how unfair and selfish I had been with both of them all along, and also... that perhaps I'm still this way, even today. 

Incidentally in one of M's emails, he pointed out that he didn't understand why I always got upset about not being productive -- that I'd feel bad about being online or doing anything else other than working. Years later, I'm surprised to be reminded that I had been like that before, even back then. Working hard... but for what? Why? I wasn't fixated on the reason; all I could do was keep going. 

But I don't think I'm like that anymore. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say that about a month or two ago, I stopped obsessing over what I should be doing, my self-expectations, my regret and frustration over not achieving enough.

The prickly self-consciousness is still there -- the feeling of incompetence -- but I don't really dwell on it anymore. 

I used to tell myself, "I am who I am," and that thought consoled me. But now I know it was just false acceptance and defensiveness. Instead, what keeps me afloat now is thinking, "I will not always be this way." 

(!) Because I've probably ordered steak 1-2 times in my life and always because I felt compelled to do so, never because I actually wanted to 
(!!) Because... MANGA?!?!?! Me...??? Guess I've changed. It's my first manga and I like it so far.