Lately I've been wondering what it is that's indestructible in me, if there is any such thing at all. No matter where I am in my walk with God, I always still pray for my faith in him to be unbreakable. A while back I determined that if I were to ever become a writer of some sort, it should only be with the goal of producing material that glorifies him and helps people understand why they need him.
For me, the idea of needing someone always scared me on some level or another. As if without that person, I am less complete. I could admit that I was fond of them, that I respected and loved them, but I'd shy back from saying to them and to myself that I needed them. I would decide more often than not that I didn't. To me, being strong meant being self sustaining.
This was the opposite with God. The ultimate purpose of my relationship with him was to learn to need him more; my trust in him was measured by how much more I depended on him than on myself. In the case of faith, I aspired to understand that I was incomplete without him. This was not being weak; it was what it meant to be a strong believer. And in this I found relief. Because I could finally let myself want, so badly, to need someone, to need God without feeling like my desperation for closeness would repel him as it would others.
But for a while now I've been trying to acknowledge that there are people, aside from my family, who I do need in my life, and not only have I admitted this to myself but I've also started to embrace it.
Although a part of me might still always wish that others will need me more than I need them (I think this is the part of me that wants so badly to matter, and that foolishly believes that the more I am needed, the less likely I'll be abandoned), the truth is that to need someone is to be in a state of humility.
It is saying, I cannot be better on my own: I am a better person because of you. Without you, my life will be significantly missing something. Without you, I will not learn as much about others, the world and myself. I will not see my faults as clearly, and I will lack your wisdom in overcoming them. It is because of you that I can reach new heights of happiness. It is because of you that I am led beyond my own ideas. My need for you -- it's there, everpresent, perpetually reaching out to you. And perhaps it's the very thing that's indestructible in me.
