1. Eating dinner with Jeff & Tina in Chinatown after Fans left for Hong Kong that same morning. I had spent the entire afternoon cleaning the apartment, trying as always to find leftover traces of Ann, wondering what they'd feed her on the plane. Wondering if she would miss me. Knowing that it wasn't at all that she had abandoned me, but feeling abandoned nonetheless... not really by her, but... by something more -- us, perhaps, the happiness we shared in being together. It was as if a part of me had also abandoned myself; I think that's what happens when family leaves.
But that night, I hopped on the subway to meet Jeff and Tina, and I felt so relieved seeing them, a beanie pulled down his burly head, her small shoulders and smaller hands, hearing them speak Chinese, mulling over the menu together. We shared and nearly finished everything, including the most delicious shrimp fried rice. I think that's when I experienced how eating with loved ones can be a major comfort, can expel loneliness of the strongest kind.
2. Dancing with Jess Chia at PS.1 on a blazing summer day to electronic beats. Then spotting a little old lady and a little old man, surrounded by beer-clutching 20-somethings, the two of them dancing like nobody's business.
3. Waking up in Washington, padding downstairs -- carpet under socks in pajama pants, excited to meet gramps in the kitchen, knowing already that he's put the kettle on. Our breakfast of steaming oatmeal (and ground flaxseed). Hearing the ticking cuckoo clocks... Not knowing where we'll be going later, not caring, just feeling a calm, quiet joy. Patient, undivided and safe.
Walking the trail at King County Park with my grandparents and Aunt June, listening to gramps reciting Chinese poems, explaining each word to me as I held onto his hand.
Daniel feeling hurt that one time we started dinner without him. We explained that it was because his mom said he was still doing homework and that we should eat first. He still repeated frownily all through out dinner, "You guys didn't wait for me! You started dinner without me!" For some reason I found that endearing. What is it about someone who pouts at you for starting without them? Means you're close enough for them to expect such things from you. Loved ones have the loving right to. I would like mine to always know they do.
4. The way my dad grinned and walked toward me in bouncy skip-steps when he picked me up at the airport. The way my mom's hair looked: like she had just gotten out of bed (which was true), and how she wore two pairs of pants (one of which were her PJ bottoms), and her full moon smile when she hugged me.
5. Being together with Mike, Jeff and Ann.
6. Sitting in my dinky 9D living room after picking up Tina and Harry from JFK, finding Jess still splayed delightfully on the couch, talking as Tina and Harry devoured turkey sandwiches from the deli. Our laughter punctuated by the loud crunching of Stacey's pita chips.
7. Being a part of the Wayne Barrett Slaves. Coming home to an AC'd room, and zero tasks for the remainder of the night except to laze around in bed indulging in The Hills and Weeds.
8. People who unknowingly made me laugh at WSN.
9. Those times when I'd call Kellen and Andy at odd hours of the night; they'd pick up and actually stay on the line for as long as whenever. I could be myself: open, random, bland, full of goofy nonsense, exhilarated, self-depracating, scathing, sad. Honest. They listened, and I knew that even if they didn't agree, they tried to understand. They responded, and I knew that even if I dismissed myself, they wouldn't dismiss me.
10. Upon arriving in Boston and settling in our hotel room, Drew held out a zip-lock bag with both our toothbrushes in it. "I brought yours, too," he said. It was quite unexpected; I had brought my own toothbrush from my apartment, but he packed my toothbrush from his apartment anyway, just in case. There was something about this that really touched me. It was like this little surprise, this thoughtful gesture that makes him, him, and that tells me who I am to him.
2010 has been about sharing. It was the best beginning; can't wait to grow even more in that.
