Gold Rush

I do not want to be
a flash in the pan
I want to be
an entire movement
a reason to head west and create
a new frontier
dear God i know that it's sinful
to pray for such things but
please, just please
make me worth mining.

Popeye shirt

"Just in case you decide to send me a survival package from Taiwan. The survival package would usually include: 1. Instant noodles. 2. Pea Crackers. 3. Hi-Chew. 4. Dried Sea Weed. 5. Milk tea."

I know

Today I was cutting a watermelon, thinking about summers in the past. when i was in grade school, my mom signed mike, jeff and i up for YMCA summer camp, our first and only summer camp. one of the most anticipated events there was the water balloon fight. i can't remember if i had a good time; can't remember if i was pelleted by water balloons or if i was the one scoring all the points; can't remember if the camp counselors participated or if it was just us kids.

all i see now is the dark green cement court where scraggly leftover bits of water balloon skins floated in pools of water. and hearing that my brother -- the older one -- had taken a fall, had slipped, had landed on his head. unconscious, i was told. in the hospital now, parents on the way. hours later, more than six, more than seven, more than........
"in a coma," they said. "when a patient fails to be awakened after six hours, they're in a coma."
someone told me, an adult in the family -- i can't remember who -- that the doctor said there was a risk, a very small risk of him not waking up.

"it was a water balloon fight," i said, "a game. how could he be hurt from a game? it was just a fall." and then i thought about another time, breakfast morning, jeff's head bleeding at the table. and a time after that, the first time he fell unconscious on his head. this time it was just a game but it wasn't the first anymore, wasn't the second.

he woke up. and i can't remember what i felt when i heard that my brother was coming back. but somehow it was like -- all that waiting, all the worrying -- well, the whole time i knew he'd wake up, i had known he'd be okay. i had known i'd see him again same as he always was.

By the creek

Is it real

Self awareness

is hard to deal with. Strange because being self aware is probably more of a blessing than not. But sometimes it feels like you're just perpetually stuck.

Maybe it's true that the more parts of yourself you can afford to forget, the more charm you have.
More carefree
unstudied.

Maison Martin Margiela

I'm ready

Throw anything my way, you can bet i'll deal. Winner's the one with elbow pads on!

I saw it

"Here’s how to check yourself out in reflective windows and mirrors without other people noticing.
You are not fully beautiful, but you are beautiful. You are not fully ugly, but there is some ugliness to you. You need to accept this. It is crucial to being alone."

-Frank Hinton

And if you're lucky

you hit all three.

“A writer,” said Mann, “is a person for whom writing is more difficult than for other people.”

Just how close to the bone

"Maybe the truth does not matter, but I want to know it if only so that I can come to some conclusions about such questions as:
whether he is angry at me or not; if he is, then how angry;
whether he still loves her or not; if he does, then how much;
whether he loves me or not; how much;
how capable he is of deceiving me in the act and after the act in the telling."

— Lydia Davis

Looking

big scarf big sweater. <3 can't wait for fall

this looks so dangerous it makes my heart flip

a desk without legs and chairs without backs (stools). not sure i could get used to this as my workstation but maybe someday. everything about this picture looks fuss-free.

crayons = childhood = nostalgia

Pimp survey

What is the first thing you do when you get home?
wash my hands

What was the first thing you did this morning?
Exercise.

How long does it take you to shower?
5-10 minutes oh yeaaa. i'm a spiffy scrubber.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
only if there's an annoying "beep beep" sound if i don't.

Do your grandparents have a cell phone/computer?
cell phones. my grandma's is pink, with diamond-shaped buttons hehe.

Most disgusting thing to put cheese on, in your opinion:
Cookies 'n cream ice cream.

Do you still talk to your first love?
yep

Who was the first person to text you today?
Drew, from Pennsylvania, telling me about some berry yummy bluebelly pancakes there.

Who is the first person you thought of this morning?
My brother.

Do you secretly like someone?
of course, life's more interesting that way. and you stay younger.

What do you tend to dream negatively about the most?
I'm back at home in Taiwan, and I suddenly realize I unknowingly did not see my grandparents in x amount of days. I'm running out of time and it becomes imperative that I go to them and never leave.

How often are you angry for no reason?
Hardly anymore.

Are there any stains on a favorite item of clothing that you just can't get out?
There are NO STAINS i can't get rid of.

Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone?
jeff

If you're having a bad hair day, do you wear a cap of some sort?
No. My bad hair days are just days when my hair's especially straight/flat/limp, so caps don't help.

Favorite television character is played by which actor/actress, and why are they your favorite?
Sandra Oh/Cristina Yang in Grey's Anatomy because she kicks ass.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
can't really tell. got my dad's nose; both of them have bulbous cheeks.

What are you listening to?
Lily Allen's cover of "Naive" by the Kooks

Is the last person you kissed older than you?
yeah. though sometimes he is 12.

Do you have a favorite item of clothing?
my William the Parrot shirt from Kmart. 'Cause I'm not just smart, I'm Kmart smart.

Last movie you saw in theaters?
Cowboys & Aliens, which was better than expected.

Last thing you ate?
Half a pickle, dipped in mustard + Tabasco + apple vinegar + salsa. And leftover pizza.

What was last thing you drank?
cold green tea

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Plane ticket to Taiwan

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching a documentary on b-boys. I recommend it! Look it up on Netflix: "Planet B-Boy."

Immortality

INTERVIEWER:
Finally, a fundamental question: as a creative writer what do you think is the function of your art? Why a representation of fact, rather than fact itself?

HEMINGWAY:
Why be puzzled by that? From things that have happened and from things as they exist and from all things that you know and all those you cannot know, you make something through your invention that is not a representation but a whole new thing truer than anything true and alive, and you make it alive, and if you make it well enough, you give it immortality. That is why you write and for no other reason that you know of. But what about all the reasons that no one knows?"

— Ernest Hemingway, The Art of Fiction No. 21 | The Paris Review

Moostache

Perfect side braid

Everywhere I go

And I fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me how's the way to see
Show me all that I could be

Waking up

I love
love love love
love love
love

that it's raining.

One year 7 months

I go on quite a bit about Andrew's pebbly toes so I thought I'd offer this wonderful glimpse of them here. Aren't they indeed pebbbbb-uh-ly 'n cute?

Ahem also very manly. Cute 'n manly hehehe.
Happy 1 year 7 months, Meester B!

Who me?

Cafe Cluny

I hate sandwiches that have a three-inch layer of meat, be it ham, turkey, corn beef, etc. It's just disgusting! In fact whenever I buy a deli sandwich and it turns out like that, I always end up taking out 2/3 of the meat. I'd much rather there be a 2:1 ratio of lettuce/tomatoes/cucumbers to meat. That said, I'm a huuuuge sandwich person. And when there's a really good veggie sandwich, nothing quite beats it. Here is one I'd love to try:

So simple. This sandwich looks divine.

On me

Canteloupe

Whenever I listen

to Death Cab for Cutie, I am back in my grandparents' bedroom upstairs, watching seasons 1 and 2 of Grey's Anatomy on repeat. The lace curtains can't block out sunlight so I hang thick bath towels on the rod, then I can eat bread and feel safe.

Sitting in Humanitics cafe in pajama pants, driving down the same roads, wearing scarves every day in 97 degree weather, eating oatmeal in bed at night. Because I missed dinner again.

I listen to Death Cab now and I know I am happier now. There are days but I am happier now.

Couldn't help it

Um

"Where the pool at bro"

But really there’s no pool.

This is a photo of a man standing on a tennis court in his underwear.

Still true

Fact about a Bear

Drew doesn't like arugula. He calls it "agoo-gula."

My Scandinavian Retreat

But isn't it in our nature

to suppose so, still, sometimes.

Life

I've yet to reply mail while chilling in a tub but next time I think I just might.

Playground rules

Things looked up once Nicole began going to school. She was pleased to have made her first friend, Tammy, a girl with remarkably straight legs that were unfortunately dry and splotchy due to a severe case of skin allergies. Kids ran after her in recess, pointing at her peeling legs and yelling that she had some kind of skin disease. Sylvia Welch, whose father was a pastor, said that it was definitely leprosy.

Half the kids didn’t know what leprosy was, but they figured it was probably like catching “the flu,” only worse, because it sounded worse.

“Ewwwww! Leprosy! Tammy has the leprosy!” they shrieked.

Even though she was also put off by Tammy’s sniffles and the constant scratching of her patchy skin, Nicole was able to overlook these flaws once she discovered that Tammy was quite the bright kid. She could already write half the alphabet in cursive and she always got near-perfect-to-perfect scores on everything. Thus Nicole decided to take her on as a project. She cultivated Tammy’s intelligence by giving her additional homework each day on top of what Teacher Gwen already assigned.

"Do I -- do I have t-to memorize all 25 vo-o-cabulary worddd-s?" The dry flakes around Tammy's nostrils fluttered as she breathed. Nicole looked at her friend in distaste.

"Yes Tammy, yes you do. I can't give you less homework today just because you didn't complete last night's,” Nicole said. “I'd only be rewarding your laziness that way. You're lucky I'm not giving you more words today as punishment."

And Tammy, who was afraid to lose her one and only ally in the class, especially one whose popularity was growing rapidly, sniffled once before nodding meekly.

When she reached third grade, Nicole had already learned that if one was to tell a bunch of kids what was best for them as if they’d be foolish to do otherwise, then they were more than likely to follow one’s orders. The key was to believe that she really did know what was right for everyone.

During recess, she told all the girls that it only made sense for each of them to be allotted a color that matched one of the painted circles on the playground wall; this way, she explained, they could immediately see where everyone was at once, and then proceed to split up the teams evenly for games. They nodded dumbly. When she yelled for them to line up, she watched proudly as they all ran to their assigned circles.

Nicole made Linda purple because it was an exotic color fit for an exotic Euro-Malaysian mix. Rachel H., a small-boned girl with princess-long hair, was pink because she was very pretty in a quiet, inoffensive way. Karen was yellow because it suited the sour face she always had on. And Tammy was brown because she had no choice. Actually, none of them really did; it’s just that Tammy was the kind of girl who always got whatever was left over.

When I wasn't paying attention in class

How about a rainy night?

Walking down 7th street

--Excuse me, you're really pretty, are you single?
--Um, no. I mean yes.
--You have something on your face.
--What, where?
--Here, an eyelash.
--Oh, thank you.
--So what is it, are you single or just confused?
--No, I've been with the same guy for over a year... I'm heading this way. Thanks for getting the eyelash off my face. Have a nice day.
--You, too.

It was the first time a stranger touched my face.

Someone make me this hat

Hu hu cute eyebrows

Even though I'm not fond of

sprinkles on my ice cream.

Been hoping for a vanilla ice cream cone, especially one from McDonald's. Maybe today is the day.

You

After and before

That image of her smiling, skin looking so ivory and soft, like something out of a photograph but without the harsh flash, of her smiling and speaking in a lulling low voice, and me knowing that they love her more than they ever will me. That ending when he said goodbye and how they two dragged a bit as if emotionally holding hands, drifting apart fingertip by fingertip. But does that mean I should stop trying? I don't know. Who am I, who was I once? Does it matter in the end. And I don't know what he thinks, and I want to ask but I do not ask, because how could I when the truth is staring us in our faces in the vision of a small faced girl. There is nothing I have to offer. Nothing more than just this, a scatterplot of oversized everything, everything too large and clumsy.

Philip Roth

"You go to someone and you think, 'I'll tell him this.' But why? The impulse is that the telling is going to relieve you. And that's why you feel awful later -- you've relieved yourself, and if it truly is tragic and awful, it's not better, it's worse -- the exhibitionism inherent to a confession has only made the misery worse."

And I hold on

My teeth are naked and white as invitations.

"I respect you," he says. "Do you want this?"
"Okay," I say.

Then
he writes his name inside me so I cannot forget him when he leaves.
He reaches for my hand and I let go.

And I let go. He lets me go. And I hold on. And I hold on.

NYPL

The lions in front of the New York Public Library are trying so hard to remain dignified with pigeons on their heads. I am trying to avoid smiling at the group of fencers gathering outside. They are strapping on straight jackets and putting on masks.

Concealment is elegance, an art I am trying to learn.

Ohhhh

As he beats my children

I stand over the sink gutting the dark poop-strands out of half-frozen shrimp.

May

One rainy night, she went on a date with a guy named Kevin who she thought was really into her. Afterward when they were about to say goodbye, she thought he was about to ask her to come home with him.

May: No, no, I really can't.
Kevin: Wait, I just want --
May: I know, but I can't. Please, Kevin, I have a cold.
Kevin: I only need --
May: No you don't. I know you think you need to, or want to, or whatever, but I'm telling you right now that you don't. It's just not a good idea. Maybe next time, but right now please just let me go.
Kevin: No, it's not that, it's... you have my umbrella. And I need it back.

Search on

According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.

Don't you like this?

Doesn't it look like an elf would wear it?
If I were an elf I would have a whole jewelry box filled with silver branch trinkets like this.

Why try

to change me now?

Shio shio

Eating Totto Ramen, which trumps Minca. But Ramen Setagaya is still the best.

Here is Hiro with his mommy.

Vera made oxtail soup for dinner, yummmm.

Had my first heart of palm salad and it was deliciously refreshing.

Sweater says it all

I know it's foolish/superficial to think, "If I could have [insert coveted material object], then I'd be happy without a doubt."

But I can't help feeling that way, ever so slightly, about this sweater. For instance I could easily imagine myself wearing it while eating a warm and buttery croissant.

Conversation from behind a cubbyhole

-Baby are you toxic?
-Can you be toxic and addictive at the same time?
-Who says you're addictive?
-IIIII didn't say so... (he he he)

Daydream before a nap

some Shake Shack fries would be nice.

Salvador Dalí and Coco Chanel

I want to eat

octopus / celery salad all day every day.

Nietzsche

"Experience, as a desire for experience, does not come off. We must not study ourselves while having an experience."

Captain Wentworth's letter

“You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago. Dare not say that a man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant.”

XX

Things have gotten closer to the sun
And I've done things in small doses
So don't think that I'm pushing you away
When you're the one that I've kept closest

(Do I have to keep up the pace to keep you satisfied
Do I have to keep up the pace to keep you satisfied
Do I have to keep up the pace
To keep you satisfied)