I've joked about crying while watching American Idol before. It was a few years back when I still never cried while watching anything; till then I'd only been moved enough by The Green Mile and Step Mom. But then one day after school, I found myself alone in 9D with Ann and Jon out, and I made myself a skimpy dinner that consisted of half a sausage and undercooked rice. Well I was sitting there, still dressed in my thick outerwear and scarf, when one of the contestants on American Idol sang this song. I had read the lyrics before somewhere on a blog but it was the first time I'd ever heard the song itself. And then I started crying pathetic tears, helpless ones, really, not bothering to stop them from dripping onto my plate. The song went like this:
'Cause I can't make you love me,
if you don't.
You can't make your heart feel something it won't.
Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart
and I'll feel the power. But you won't. 'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see the love you don't feel when you're holding me.
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right. Just give me till then to give up this fight.
And I'll give up this fight.
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't.
It reminded me of Andy and what I felt for him then and over the years. I finally resolved that I couldn't do anything more, but that didn't mean I wasn't hurting from it still. Those feelings are gone -- they are almost foreign to me in some respects -- and I am grateful. Sometimes though, there is the phantom. Not of the love and not-love with Andy, but an ache for those who are heartbroken.
This song was originally sung by Bonnie Raitt. Here is a cover by Adele.
